Holiday Cheer?

So... In two days it will be Christmas. A holiday that should be happy and beautiful... A holiday that celebrates the life of Jesus. If that's the case, then why do I frown? I think the holidays set you up for disappointment. You see commercials and you see the couples and you don't have what they say you should have. You walk around, with the snow and the lights and you see couples walking hand in hand, smiling and cuddling and you know that that's never going to happen for you. But is that what it should be like? No! Not at all... Who cares if you don't have a boyfriend... The world contradicts its self... Women should be impowered, they should independent, they shouldn't depend on men. Totally opposite of what the entertainment industry tells us... Ugh, what does a women do? What happens when my longing for a boyfriend, for an uplifting life companion, overcomes my desire to to be a music artist. Its an awful feeling, the feeling of confusion, mixed with frustration and a pinch of depression. It can bring even the strongest person to their knees.

But then there's the question of, if I do get a boyfriend, what changes? Am I going to be ridiculously happy or will I still struggle with depression? I'm tired of wanting to be loved... I'm tired of it because I don't get it. Lol... Its a vicious cycle if you ask me.

But it is Christmas and I am looking forward to dressing up and going to the Christmas Eve service and being with family... It will be awesome! It will be nice to go to Pennsylvania and hang with family I don't get to see very often, it will be nice to get away for a few days... Hopefully to figure out what's really going on in my life, to figure out what I'm really going to do with the rest of my life.

Oh, I'm looking for something to do for New Years... Any ideas?!?

Waiting... on what?

I don't mean to be depressed... I don't want to be. I would much rather just smile and pretend that everything is ok... But I can't. I can't just sit here and say that I'm doing ok. I am tired physically and emotionally... Drama is rampant in my life and its awful. Shouldn't I be content with my life? I mean, isn't that what they teach you? "Be content with God's plan" "Be content with what God's got for you" But how can you be content in a world that throws things like beauty and riches into your face. How can you be content when the dreams you dream don't seem to be available to you at all... I hate that I just want to curl into a ball and cry my eyes out, just want to stop living my life. Can I classify that as seasonal depression? Even if every season is depressing? I guess I need to stop planning for my dreams... I need to look towards tomorrow but tomorrow isn't looking all that good. My dreams are far away, they look like they aren't even close. Do I really have to realize that my dreams aren't going to happen and start planning for a mediocre life? Work that dead end job, marry the guy that's good for me instead of my dream guy? Well, at least its going to snow... Maybe.