Romeo and Juliet

Romeo and Juliet... a timeless tale about two kids falling in love.  On one hand, you've got Romeo, the hot headed kid of the Montegue line who falls in love with another mans girl.  And on the other hand, you have Juliet, the sweet, nieve child of the Captulet line who falls in love with the mysterious party crasher Romeo.  These kids fall so in love that they are willing to die for one another. Stupidly,i might add.  Don't get me wrong, I do love the story of Romeo and Juliet, but honestly, why so dramatic? I feel like there was a better way to go about it.  I mean, really... if I was Juliet and I woke up in a crypt and then looked down and saw the supposed love of my life lying dead on the ground, I would totally get up, step over his still warm dead body and walk out of that darn crypt.  There are other fishes in the sea, and really, why die for someone who is already dead?  Am I the only one who finds this strange?  I understand the idea of sacrificial love and unconditional love.  I know that Jesus died on the cross because he loved us so very much.  I'm not sure if I could die for someone.  Not that I'm selfish enough to think that my life is more valuable then someone elses but I do think that everything happens for a reason and idk... I'm not really sure what I'm saying.  Lol... I guess my issue is that love doesn't just happen.  You can't just fall in love with someone just by looking at them.  I'm a strong believer that there is no such as thing as love at first sight.  That it takes time and courge and fights and ways to get to know each other.  You can't just look at someone and know that you are in fact going to marry them.  Maybe I'm just a skeptic on love, or maybe I'm a realist.  Who knows... All I know is that when I like someone and he doesn't like me, I hate it and I guess thats what I'm going through right now. 

broken heart

I can remember the day I promised myself that I would never fall this hard for a guy ever again. I was supposed to guard my heart and hide my feelings away. Then he showed up... he crept silently into my heart and camped out there. Than slowly, I feel... I like his smile, the way he pauses to think before he speaks, the way I can talk to him about anything. And I swear that he felt the same way. People saw it, I wasn't the only one this time. But I misread his signals, and couldn't translate the language he was speaking. My heart slowly broke with ever subtle rejection... and I laid on my bed, staring at the ceiling with my tears streaming down my face. I wrote this song to better explain what happened.


I'm Still Waiting to be Seen

I promised myself, that I would fall, fall for you so hard. But stole my thoughts and became my dream but you couldnt see, that I'm here standing. Waiting for you...

You broke my heart you broke my heart and its still beating in the pieces you left. You crushed my world, you crushed my dreams and I'm still waiting, to be seen.

I thought that we had something special. But I misread the language you were speaking. The subtle rejection caught me off guard, and I stood broken in front of you.

the possibility of a relocation...

so, my mom asked me today if I've ever thought of relocating and "starting over". I laughed and told her that I think about it all the time. But in reality, would I feel different? Would things be different, or would it just be the same drama different state? Honestly, thinking of leaving makes me happy, but the idea of leaving certain people behind makes me sad. And that scares me. especially the thought of leaving a certain someone behind makes me feel upset. Now this certain someone doesn't realize I feel this way, but that still doesn't stop me from feeling. Ha-ha same old Lissie... I fall to hard to fast. I'll prolly never learn. =\

Well, just a short update because its been too long. Heading to bed now :) Night world.

Holiday Cheer?

So... In two days it will be Christmas. A holiday that should be happy and beautiful... A holiday that celebrates the life of Jesus. If that's the case, then why do I frown? I think the holidays set you up for disappointment. You see commercials and you see the couples and you don't have what they say you should have. You walk around, with the snow and the lights and you see couples walking hand in hand, smiling and cuddling and you know that that's never going to happen for you. But is that what it should be like? No! Not at all... Who cares if you don't have a boyfriend... The world contradicts its self... Women should be impowered, they should independent, they shouldn't depend on men. Totally opposite of what the entertainment industry tells us... Ugh, what does a women do? What happens when my longing for a boyfriend, for an uplifting life companion, overcomes my desire to to be a music artist. Its an awful feeling, the feeling of confusion, mixed with frustration and a pinch of depression. It can bring even the strongest person to their knees.

But then there's the question of, if I do get a boyfriend, what changes? Am I going to be ridiculously happy or will I still struggle with depression? I'm tired of wanting to be loved... I'm tired of it because I don't get it. Lol... Its a vicious cycle if you ask me.

But it is Christmas and I am looking forward to dressing up and going to the Christmas Eve service and being with family... It will be awesome! It will be nice to go to Pennsylvania and hang with family I don't get to see very often, it will be nice to get away for a few days... Hopefully to figure out what's really going on in my life, to figure out what I'm really going to do with the rest of my life.

Oh, I'm looking for something to do for New Years... Any ideas?!?

Waiting... on what?

I don't mean to be depressed... I don't want to be. I would much rather just smile and pretend that everything is ok... But I can't. I can't just sit here and say that I'm doing ok. I am tired physically and emotionally... Drama is rampant in my life and its awful. Shouldn't I be content with my life? I mean, isn't that what they teach you? "Be content with God's plan" "Be content with what God's got for you" But how can you be content in a world that throws things like beauty and riches into your face. How can you be content when the dreams you dream don't seem to be available to you at all... I hate that I just want to curl into a ball and cry my eyes out, just want to stop living my life. Can I classify that as seasonal depression? Even if every season is depressing? I guess I need to stop planning for my dreams... I need to look towards tomorrow but tomorrow isn't looking all that good. My dreams are far away, they look like they aren't even close. Do I really have to realize that my dreams aren't going to happen and start planning for a mediocre life? Work that dead end job, marry the guy that's good for me instead of my dream guy? Well, at least its going to snow... Maybe.

Running out of Time...

So, do you ever get that feeling like maybe you are running out of time to get any of your dreams? I mean, I'm 22 and I'm not getting any older. Can I keep pushing my talents and trying to get that record company and or acting contract... how old does a person have to be to realize that their dreams won't come true? I mean, can dreams come true? Are dreams the product of an unrealized part of Gods plan? I mean, does God give us dreams so that we can aspire to reach them, so that his plan is accomplished... wait... does that make since? I mean, can my want and desire to perform just be that... a want? I feel like this is one of those questions that I ask a lot... that I mull over and over in my mind trying to find that answer. It might be too far to say that it haunts me but it troubles me that I'm not content. Restless... very restless... my body feels disconnected from the world, like I'm watching the rest of civilization get exactly what they want and here I am... lost and confused.

I know that I really need a better outlook on life... lol... I feel like I'm always depressed when I blog. I'm really not a depressed person, its just easier for me to explain my feelings in words instead of explaining them in person. Yea, doesn't really make since, but whateves. I don't really have any one to talk to either... well, I definitely have friend who will listen, but I don't like to bother people with my problems... So I'm bothering the two people who read my blog. Who are actually my two best friends, who actually know my issues. So... yea.

I guess I need to stop watching "Hannah Montana The Movie"... lol Because she has what I want and it makes me cry and then makes me depressed that I will never get that moment in my life. That I will never know what it feels like to stand on a stage, surrounded by millions of fans, spotlight, applause, loud bass and electric guitar... feeling the bumping of the drums in my chest... the vibrations of the clapping on the stage... standing there with a huge smile on my face. Meeting fans who tell me that my music has touched their lives and having my fans change my life as well. Using my talents to help further God's kingdom. Gee... Its so close!!! I'm so close to my dreams yet so so far away.

One of these days I'll be a nationally renowned recording artist, right?

holiday season

Its been a weird couple of months... So much stuff has happened that I can't even begin to explain...

So its nearing Thanksgiving which means that its close to Christmas which means its close to New Years Eve which means its close to Valentines Day. Ugh, I love the holidays, its just that it sets you up for disappointment... You see commercials and hear songs about spending the holidays with someone special... But what happens when I don't have that someone special to spend the holidays with. I mean, I have family and friends who I spend it with but its different. I hate that this is what I long for... I hate that I want a relationship so badly that I get depressed around the holidays because of it. Why can't God just be enough for me? Why can't my family and friends just be enough for me? When will I learn that a male companion isn't going to make my life worth living? I don't know... Just venting.