Wow... so I just got back from the most amazing missions trip I have ever been on. We went to Stubenville, Ohio and participated in Work Projects and Kids Club... awesome. I can't even begin to explain the amazing things that happened this week. God spoke to me in incredible ways... my kids grew closer than before... I had way to much fun... lol...
God is amazing. I'm so in love with him and he's already blessed me way to much since I've been home.
Driving home, I was on the verge of tears the whole intire time. I didn't want to leave. I'm not really sure why, but I do know that it was amazing!!!!
Friday, July 31, 2009
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Forgotten
Ugh... its been a long time since I've been this depressed. A very long time. I'm not happy and things in my life just keep getting worse. I'm not really sure what to do...
So, I really feel as if some of my "friends" have forgotten about me. I feel like I make efforts to hang out and make plans, but my friends don't. I'm just someone they can use. Someone that gives them what they need, and when I'm not a necessity anymore, they just throw me out. And this will be construed as I'm just trying to make drama... but I'm really hurting. I don't want to draw attention to myself, but really? If I don't say anything, it will keep happening. So I feel like a dumb ass when I post something on facebook or on my art page because I don't want people to think I'm just looking for attention. I'M NOT!!!! I'm in pain and I just want it to stop. I'm pysically alone... Spiritually, I know that God is there and I'm so thankful for the love and forgiveness he has given me, but honestly... I need something to touch!!! I need someone to love me for real.
Every person has a love language. Mine are the following: 1) words: meaning, saying kind things that build me up 2) actions: meaning, showing me that you care... I don't think those things are hard!! I'm not asking for presents or money or stupid meaningless stuff like that, I'm asking for someone to make a sacrifice for me. To show me that they really do care.
I hate crying, but its been a long time since I've felt like this. A long time since I've wanted to just lie in bed with the covers over my head and cry... for a very very very long time. But I'm a big girl. I have a job that depends on me and bills that won't just wait forever. I have things that need to get done, so I won't be that girl... that girl that is depressed and stays depressed. I will move on, I will find new friends and be more careful with the things I agree to do. I won't let this bring me down. I'm determined to be better and to make a difference...
So there!!!!!!
So, I really feel as if some of my "friends" have forgotten about me. I feel like I make efforts to hang out and make plans, but my friends don't. I'm just someone they can use. Someone that gives them what they need, and when I'm not a necessity anymore, they just throw me out. And this will be construed as I'm just trying to make drama... but I'm really hurting. I don't want to draw attention to myself, but really? If I don't say anything, it will keep happening. So I feel like a dumb ass when I post something on facebook or on my art page because I don't want people to think I'm just looking for attention. I'M NOT!!!! I'm in pain and I just want it to stop. I'm pysically alone... Spiritually, I know that God is there and I'm so thankful for the love and forgiveness he has given me, but honestly... I need something to touch!!! I need someone to love me for real.
Every person has a love language. Mine are the following: 1) words: meaning, saying kind things that build me up 2) actions: meaning, showing me that you care... I don't think those things are hard!! I'm not asking for presents or money or stupid meaningless stuff like that, I'm asking for someone to make a sacrifice for me. To show me that they really do care.
I hate crying, but its been a long time since I've felt like this. A long time since I've wanted to just lie in bed with the covers over my head and cry... for a very very very long time. But I'm a big girl. I have a job that depends on me and bills that won't just wait forever. I have things that need to get done, so I won't be that girl... that girl that is depressed and stays depressed. I will move on, I will find new friends and be more careful with the things I agree to do. I won't let this bring me down. I'm determined to be better and to make a difference...
So there!!!!!!
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Alone
Wow... its been a rough day. I don't know what it is, but lately, I've been feeling very alone. I mean, I like being alone and to myself, but I guess I wish I had a friend who made sacrifices for me. Does that sound mean? I guess I just wish I had people banging down my door to hang out with me. I try and hang out with people, I initiate contact and offer to pick them up and drive them wherever they want to go. I love my friends and I would go to the ends of the earth for them, but would they do that for me? I don't want to be selfish. And I definitly don't want to be a jerk about it, I just want to know what I'm doing wrong. Is it just me? I can change... I just don't think its all me... ugh.
I know that God and I aren't on the best of terms... I'm trying. Probably not hard enough. I feel lonely, abandoned, used, hurt... ugh. It feels like high school again. Like I'm depressed and suicidal. Work doesn't bring me joy, life doesn't bring me joy, my head hurts from heart ache and I'm tired of my dreams being smacked against an invisible wall, breaking into a million pieces. Duct tape can't fix that mess. I don't want to give up on my dreams, but they aren't happening and I don't think they ever will. I'm destined to be an old lady, stuck in this retched place called Delaware, working my dead beat job, and hanging out with high schoolers. Not married, not singing, not acting, not having children. THIS SUCKS!!!!
Sorry, I'm venting. I should be thankful for the blessings God has given me, like the paycheck that I got today that will take away some of the stress of being a grown up. Like the two songs I banged out on the piano tonight in like thirty minutes that I love. Like some of the people I work with that do make me smile and laugh. Like the guy I have a crush on... ok, so thats like a thankful and a stressful thing :)
Will this get better? Will this pain end? Will my questions be answered? Not tonight. I see another restless night in my future. I better get used to insomnia.
I know that God and I aren't on the best of terms... I'm trying. Probably not hard enough. I feel lonely, abandoned, used, hurt... ugh. It feels like high school again. Like I'm depressed and suicidal. Work doesn't bring me joy, life doesn't bring me joy, my head hurts from heart ache and I'm tired of my dreams being smacked against an invisible wall, breaking into a million pieces. Duct tape can't fix that mess. I don't want to give up on my dreams, but they aren't happening and I don't think they ever will. I'm destined to be an old lady, stuck in this retched place called Delaware, working my dead beat job, and hanging out with high schoolers. Not married, not singing, not acting, not having children. THIS SUCKS!!!!
Sorry, I'm venting. I should be thankful for the blessings God has given me, like the paycheck that I got today that will take away some of the stress of being a grown up. Like the two songs I banged out on the piano tonight in like thirty minutes that I love. Like some of the people I work with that do make me smile and laugh. Like the guy I have a crush on... ok, so thats like a thankful and a stressful thing :)
Will this get better? Will this pain end? Will my questions be answered? Not tonight. I see another restless night in my future. I better get used to insomnia.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Changing
So, remember when I told you that I was afraid that God was going to point out some pretty painful areas in my life on this missions trip. Yea... I didn't even get to the missions trip. God has already started!!! I've really made a mess of the past few days. I've turned away from God and started taking my own ideas and plans. I wasn't listening to God. I wasn't paying attention to the warning signs. I was so frustrated with my lack of social life, that I had to create this whole other me. Like, I was someone completly different. I hurt a few people and even made a fool out of myself. It took me telling my kids to stop looking to themselves and to start looking to God to realize that I was messed up. Ugh...
I was driving home tonight and there was an amazing full moon. And I saw the shadows on the moon that always remind me of a face. And in my head, this song started playing :"I see the moon and the moon sees me. The moon sees somebody I'd like to see. God bless the moon and God bless me. God bless the someboday I'd like to see." Talk about conviction!! I was so convicted... I had to stop. I had to turn my life around. God has blessed me so much in the past months and I take him for granted. I take this blessed life he has handed me and I throw it back. I basically tell God that his plan sucks!!! That my plan is ten times better than his and who cares what he thinks. My time here is already short enough. Why would I want to put myself in a place that can endager me! I can be really stupid sometimes and really thick headed and really selfish. But I do know that God has me where he wants me right now. I might not always be in this place, but right now... I am where he wants me. He isn't finished with me yet.
I'm sorry to those I've hurt and pushed away. My heart hurts with the knowledge that sometimes, pain has to happen before the healing.
I was driving home tonight and there was an amazing full moon. And I saw the shadows on the moon that always remind me of a face. And in my head, this song started playing :"I see the moon and the moon sees me. The moon sees somebody I'd like to see. God bless the moon and God bless me. God bless the someboday I'd like to see." Talk about conviction!! I was so convicted... I had to stop. I had to turn my life around. God has blessed me so much in the past months and I take him for granted. I take this blessed life he has handed me and I throw it back. I basically tell God that his plan sucks!!! That my plan is ten times better than his and who cares what he thinks. My time here is already short enough. Why would I want to put myself in a place that can endager me! I can be really stupid sometimes and really thick headed and really selfish. But I do know that God has me where he wants me right now. I might not always be in this place, but right now... I am where he wants me. He isn't finished with me yet.
I'm sorry to those I've hurt and pushed away. My heart hurts with the knowledge that sometimes, pain has to happen before the healing.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Umm... I'm slacking
So, its July 5th and the last time I updated my blog was well... March 16th and let me tell you. SO MUCH has happened since then. So, here we go.
I wasn't able to go to LA for my cousin's wedding, due to an unexpected car repair that I needed to get done. I wasn't able to have the money for the tickets and the hotel. I also didn't want to be a bother to the people there, cause I was going to have to rely on other people to get from place to place... not fun. I was uber bummed about it though. I really wanted to get to LA to see Chad and Jessica but I guess God had another plan for me. I don't know what that was, but whateves.
Also, my music hasn't really taken off like I thought it was going to. The person that said they would help promote my stuff is... well... I don't know where he is. But there is an opportunity for me to collaborate with another artist in my area, I just need to get back into the studio to re record a song and what not. I'm writing a lot more on the piano, so I have kinda a new sound. It will be interesting to see if I'm able to record more in the coming months.
Anywho, life isn't any different than when I last left you. Still working at Cosi on Main and like it well enough. I have a lot of resposibility there and am looking for a management position. But we'll see. I don't work at Chick-Fil-A any more, but don't ya know, that as soon as I leave there, my hours at Cosi start to suck. Ugh... what can I do? Youth group is going well. We got back from our Middle School mission's trip to Ocean Grove, NJ on Wednesday and we had a blast. The kids did an amazing job working and not complaining. It was so cool to see God work in their lives just in the short amount of time we were there. Those kids have so much potential and God is going to use them in great ways. I'm so excited to be able to see that!!! July 26th, we are leaving for Stubenville, Ohio with our high schoolers. The high school trips seems to take a lot more out of me emotionally and physically. We are constinitly working and the days are long and hard. The drama is bigger and harder to control as well. I'm looking forward to it though. It will be awesome to see God in the kids lives and what not. I'm afraid that God is going to show up though and point out some pretty painful stuff in my life. I mean, he already does that, its just that when I'm on a mission's trip, I always feel like God is closer and more outspoken. Must have to do with the fact that when I'm on a mission's trip, I have no doubt in my mind that I'm doing God's will. Such a cool feeling!!
Well, its a Sunday and I'm putting off doing housework. Ugh... I'll be back later!!!
P.S. follow me on twitter : www.twitter.com/LissieDunn
I wasn't able to go to LA for my cousin's wedding, due to an unexpected car repair that I needed to get done. I wasn't able to have the money for the tickets and the hotel. I also didn't want to be a bother to the people there, cause I was going to have to rely on other people to get from place to place... not fun. I was uber bummed about it though. I really wanted to get to LA to see Chad and Jessica but I guess God had another plan for me. I don't know what that was, but whateves.
Also, my music hasn't really taken off like I thought it was going to. The person that said they would help promote my stuff is... well... I don't know where he is. But there is an opportunity for me to collaborate with another artist in my area, I just need to get back into the studio to re record a song and what not. I'm writing a lot more on the piano, so I have kinda a new sound. It will be interesting to see if I'm able to record more in the coming months.
Anywho, life isn't any different than when I last left you. Still working at Cosi on Main and like it well enough. I have a lot of resposibility there and am looking for a management position. But we'll see. I don't work at Chick-Fil-A any more, but don't ya know, that as soon as I leave there, my hours at Cosi start to suck. Ugh... what can I do? Youth group is going well. We got back from our Middle School mission's trip to Ocean Grove, NJ on Wednesday and we had a blast. The kids did an amazing job working and not complaining. It was so cool to see God work in their lives just in the short amount of time we were there. Those kids have so much potential and God is going to use them in great ways. I'm so excited to be able to see that!!! July 26th, we are leaving for Stubenville, Ohio with our high schoolers. The high school trips seems to take a lot more out of me emotionally and physically. We are constinitly working and the days are long and hard. The drama is bigger and harder to control as well. I'm looking forward to it though. It will be awesome to see God in the kids lives and what not. I'm afraid that God is going to show up though and point out some pretty painful stuff in my life. I mean, he already does that, its just that when I'm on a mission's trip, I always feel like God is closer and more outspoken. Must have to do with the fact that when I'm on a mission's trip, I have no doubt in my mind that I'm doing God's will. Such a cool feeling!!
Well, its a Sunday and I'm putting off doing housework. Ugh... I'll be back later!!!
P.S. follow me on twitter : www.twitter.com/LissieDunn
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