Changing

So, remember when I told you that I was afraid that God was going to point out some pretty painful areas in my life on this missions trip. Yea... I didn't even get to the missions trip. God has already started!!! I've really made a mess of the past few days. I've turned away from God and started taking my own ideas and plans. I wasn't listening to God. I wasn't paying attention to the warning signs. I was so frustrated with my lack of social life, that I had to create this whole other me. Like, I was someone completly different. I hurt a few people and even made a fool out of myself. It took me telling my kids to stop looking to themselves and to start looking to God to realize that I was messed up. Ugh...

I was driving home tonight and there was an amazing full moon. And I saw the shadows on the moon that always remind me of a face. And in my head, this song started playing :"I see the moon and the moon sees me. The moon sees somebody I'd like to see. God bless the moon and God bless me. God bless the someboday I'd like to see." Talk about conviction!! I was so convicted... I had to stop. I had to turn my life around. God has blessed me so much in the past months and I take him for granted. I take this blessed life he has handed me and I throw it back. I basically tell God that his plan sucks!!! That my plan is ten times better than his and who cares what he thinks. My time here is already short enough. Why would I want to put myself in a place that can endager me! I can be really stupid sometimes and really thick headed and really selfish. But I do know that God has me where he wants me right now. I might not always be in this place, but right now... I am where he wants me. He isn't finished with me yet.

I'm sorry to those I've hurt and pushed away. My heart hurts with the knowledge that sometimes, pain has to happen before the healing.