Alone

Wow... its been a rough day. I don't know what it is, but lately, I've been feeling very alone. I mean, I like being alone and to myself, but I guess I wish I had a friend who made sacrifices for me. Does that sound mean? I guess I just wish I had people banging down my door to hang out with me. I try and hang out with people, I initiate contact and offer to pick them up and drive them wherever they want to go. I love my friends and I would go to the ends of the earth for them, but would they do that for me? I don't want to be selfish. And I definitly don't want to be a jerk about it, I just want to know what I'm doing wrong. Is it just me? I can change... I just don't think its all me... ugh.

I know that God and I aren't on the best of terms... I'm trying. Probably not hard enough. I feel lonely, abandoned, used, hurt... ugh. It feels like high school again. Like I'm depressed and suicidal. Work doesn't bring me joy, life doesn't bring me joy, my head hurts from heart ache and I'm tired of my dreams being smacked against an invisible wall, breaking into a million pieces. Duct tape can't fix that mess. I don't want to give up on my dreams, but they aren't happening and I don't think they ever will. I'm destined to be an old lady, stuck in this retched place called Delaware, working my dead beat job, and hanging out with high schoolers. Not married, not singing, not acting, not having children. THIS SUCKS!!!!

Sorry, I'm venting. I should be thankful for the blessings God has given me, like the paycheck that I got today that will take away some of the stress of being a grown up. Like the two songs I banged out on the piano tonight in like thirty minutes that I love. Like some of the people I work with that do make me smile and laugh. Like the guy I have a crush on... ok, so thats like a thankful and a stressful thing :)

Will this get better? Will this pain end? Will my questions be answered? Not tonight. I see another restless night in my future. I better get used to insomnia.