Epic Fail

I'm not really sure how to begin this blog. Its been a ridiculously long week and this coming week is going to be so much worse. I'm kinda getting tired of walking around with a smile plastered to my face, pretending that I'm happy. Well... I'm happy to a degree, but crap is filling up my life and making it hard to see the good in the bad. I mean, seriously, its not even relationships that I'm talking about. Its stupid, little things... ok, not so little things, but stuff that shouldn't be stressing my life out are. My car for instance. I don't have the money to fix it nor do I have the money to get a new one. And then there's this thing with my sister. I can't get into much detail, but it isnt' good. She's making decisions that will ruin her life if she follows through with them. And she doesn't care what her family thinks or anything. This situation is out of control and I finally stepped in. I finally told her what I felt and what she's doing wrong. I lost control... I don't think I said anything I will regreat, but I did blow up at her. Now, I know its not the Biblical thing to do, but I was done. I was done listening to her blatenly disrespect my mother and use words that offend me. I was done with her little temper tantrums and acting like she's the queen of the world. I was done with her pulling the "I'm 18 card". I'm 22 and still have to follow the rules in the house. I'm tired of dealing with and doing damage control for her lies and I shouldn't have to deal with this. I've prayed, I've yelled, I've dealt, I'm done. I'm so tired of this. I don't think I've ever longed for a boyfriend as much as I did tonight. Someone to sit with me and listen to me scream and yell about the stuff going on, someone who would wrap his arms around me and tell me that God's plan is soverign and will work out in the end. Someone to kiss me on the forehead and let me know that he loves me and will be praying for me. Someone to pull their Bible out and share with me a passage from God's word that comforts me. I mean, I can do that for myself, but sometimes, it just means more or can help more if someone takes the time to care. I'm not saying that their aren't people who care, look on my family members facebook pages... It tells you a lot. I guess I'm just longing for a guy to hold me and cuddle with me and talk me through the pain. I don't want to be alone anymore. Physically alone... I know that God is here, and I know that he holds me in his hands no matter what happens, but sometimes I long for something I little more material. And I pray that that doesn't make me a horrible person. I pray that God understands just what I mean. I pray that this storm reaches a calming place, that this storm lightens just enough that I can see some sun. I pray that things just get better. I pray that life doesn't suck anymore. I pray that my prayers are answered and my dreams become reality. Because I'm so tired of mediocraty. I'm done...

What now?

I don't even know where to begin. I can't begin to put into words what I'm feeling. There isn't any. This feeling of being alone, this feeling of depression, this feeling of not being good enough... overwhelms my soul. I know that God has a plan, and I'm trying to be faithful and I'm trying to let God just take control, but its so hard. I think the biggist issue for me is this relationship bit. I'm sure if you counted up all the blogs, and the songs, and the poems I've written about relationships and love and what not, it would be countless!!! Its so important for me to be loved. I know that its a human reaction, that its something we all go through, but I feel empty inside! I long for a relationship that lasts!!! I don't think I've ever felt true love. I've never felt that feeling of being loved by someone who isn't family. I mean, I fall so hard for someone I don't even know, even when I know that they won't love me back!!! I'm not pretty enough, I'm not skinny enough and I don't have enough personality to have people get to know me. My dreams don't come true, I've screwed my life up countless times, and no one wants a person with a "past". HE will never be into me. My relationship with God isn't strong like his. I'm not attractive in any way and I know he would never look twice at me. HE has it... he has the talent, the relationship with God and I'm sure if I got to know him, he would add up to my "list" of qualities. Will I ever add up to someone's list of qualities? I long for someone to look me in the eyes and say "Elisabeth Ann, I love you and you are so beautiful". I want to be in sweatpants and have a fever of 102 and I want someone to sit on my bed and say "Elisabeth Ann, I love you and you are so beautiful". I want to walk down the aisle in a church, wearing all white, surronded by all my friends and family and have someone say "Elisabeth Ann, I love you and you are so beautiful". I have all these wants and desires and there's no telling you when they are going to happen. I don't even have to be famous. My dream to be signed to a record contract is so far gone now. I don't want that. I don't want the world to know my name. I don't want to meet and marry a Jonas Brother... I just want to be married. I mean, I'm surely not going to complain if that happens... Shoot that would be amazing!!! Lol... but I just long for someone to hold me, to hold my hand in the mall, to wrap their arms around me when we are watching a movie, to just stare at me. I want someone to be enthralled with me. Is it weird that I want this? That all I long for is love? I don't want to be rich, I don't want to be famous, I want him to love me. We could work all day and all night... we could clip coupons for the rest of our lives... Shoot, we could live on welfare, but as long as we had God and each other, I'm positive we'd get through it. Am I being a hopeless romantic? Am I living in some dreamworld? Because if I am, please set me straight!!! I'm sure that there is a guy out there that will love me for just being me. For my goofy, crazy, introverted, loud, musically talented, emotional wreak that I am! For my ups and downs, my sins and blessings, my everything. Its so hard to see people who aren't even trying to live a life worthy of God getting everything I've ever wanted. People who aren't Christians have amazing marriages, its mindboggling to me. Its hard for me to grasp why, when I try to focus on God and live right that I don't get what I want, but people who don't even believe in God get what they want? I'm just complaining now and thats not cool. God has blessed me with so much and I need to praise him in this storm, even though I don't want to. He has everything undercontrol and I love him so much. I thank God for giving me the air to breath and the food to eat and for a house and a family that loves me and a job that pays me and a car that drives (sometimes) and friends that care... I'm so blessed and I shouldn't take any of that for granted... but its so hard. Its so hard to see what I want and not be able to get it. Mmm... it hurts to not be loved like I want to be loved. Not to be with that person that I want to be with... it will get better... right?

wow

Ok... So a lot has happened since I last blogged. Major crap... My sister left home and started terrible rumors about my family. She's back now. My car has gotten worse. I fixed it. My love life is still as stagnant as before. There was a guy but not anymore. And the guy I like now doesn't seem to get it. Ugh, I put myself through this all the time. I like a guy, he and I start a friendship, I then start reading into the tiniest things and then when he shows up with another girl, my heart breaks. Its hopeless for me. I don't understand this want and need to be in a relationship when I know its not going to happen. Why can't guys see me for who I am and not for what I look like? Is there a guy out there for me? If God knows my inner most desires, then he knows my desire to be a mom and a wife and it will happen... Right? I don't know. I'm tired, ill blog more later.

hmmm

I guess its to be expected that after an amazing missions trip like Stubenville, getting back into the swing of things would be hard. I mean, there are certain things that are easy to get back into, but they aren't good. Like cursing, like being lazy, like being disrespectful... ugh... I want to be a different person, but its so hard when the people you are around at work do the very same thing! Its hard being a Christian in such a secular world, and its not anything new. The feeling like I'm a failure is sometimes so overwhelming. I don't want to be one of those Christians who sins because they know that God will forgive them. I want to be full of God's love and joy for a long time... I get so brought down by the world, I get so upset about the different crazy things that go on around me that its hard to concentrate on the things of God.

And what happens when you think yo'uve met your soul mate? Lol... I feel as if we've had this conversation before... lol... I mean honestly...

I might be getting a promotion at my job... HOLLA!!! YeaYea!!! lol... Definitly an answer to prayers... God is so amazing!!!!

I think I wanna be a part of Summer Staff for Youthworks next summer... I think its something I might be good at. I would love to spend a Summer just working for God and helping out local communities and neighborhoods. That would be amazing!!!

Well, I think I'm going to watch some TV...